It’s recently come to my attention (via a very nice article featuring me as a Woman to Follow in email – and we know how I feel about articles like that) that it’s been almost two years since my last post. I’ve been renewing this domain every year, and thinking, “oh, yeah, I should write something,” but alas – writer’s block.
Well, writer’s block – and a little side DIY project. A little side project who is almost a year old, has six teeth, and is trying very hard to stand up and walk. A few weeks after I wrote about surviving conferences as an introvert, and after about 7 months of trying, I found out I was pregnant! I did two more very small speaking gigs that Fall as I started my second trimester, but then kind of disappeared for a while. Obviously had other things to focus on, and My Career was not really one of them.
I became One of The Pregnant Ladies at work. I work with mostly women, and at any given moment, there are usually 3-10 pregnant women in my office. A nice thing about that is that the majority of my co-workers are also mothers, and they were all very sweet and compassionate during my pregnancy and when I came back to work. They ask about my son, and always indulge when I excitedly offer to show them a bunch of pictures and videos. (I won’t post them online because I want to respect his digital privacy, but I will happily show you pictures in person if you ask!)
It’s admittedly been difficult for me to figure out my new identity as a working mom. I’ve been asked to speak at several conferences this spring, and declined for various (perfectly reasonable) reasons, but the biggest reason I’m not naming is “I don’t want to be away from my son for very long, and my husband doesn’t know how to do bedtime.” I know plenty of moms travel for work, but I just can’t imagine it right now, even though I miss it and feel like speaking at conferences was a big part of my identity for a while. I feel like I put everything on pause, and I don’t have time to keep up with the industry. And honestly – I feel off my game. It’s a lot harder to be good at your job when you’re sleep deprived, or have had a cold for three weeks because your child is in daycare and LICKS OTHER CHILDREN WITH RUNNY NOSES ON THE FACE, THEN COUGHS IN YOUR MOUTH. (He’s really cute, but SERIOUSLY WHYYYYY).
I do want to write here more, but motherhood has taken up just about all of my mental energy that isn’t being spent on work right now. I feel like I’m kind of a shell of myself at the moment, and it sucks. I know it won’t be like this forever. I know “I’ll miss it when my baby’s too big for me to rock him to sleep.” I know that I still have the same brain I had two years ago – there are just a lot of other things floating around in it taking up space right now, and I can’t let them drop.
I’m slowly trying to come back to who I was pre-baby. Even writing this is the first (baby) step (see what I did there?).